Last night, I was feeling pretty lousy. I felt like I got nothing done that day. By the time I put my girls to bed at about 8:00, I was exhausted, and had no energy left to do the myriad of chores that waited for me. There were dirty dishes in the sink, overflowing to the counter. Our dinner mess was still on the table. And it was a take-out dinner. Bags of (non-perishable) groceries were still sitting on the counter. I didn't finish organizing my room, and my floors needed washing. There were clean clothes that needed to be put away and a lot of dirty laundry. I had not done any laundry that day. I could keep going. You get the idea.
Lately, I have tried really hard to get my house in order. I've never been the neatest person, and I've never cared too much if someone saw my house in less than perfect condition. But in the past several months, it has been bothering me more, and I've been working to change that. Not because of any social or cultural expectation. I actually get tired of reading blogs about how it's ok if you're house is a disgusting disaster 'cause you're a mom and "the chores will still be there later". It's good that there's an aspect of mom culture these days that releases you from stringent cleaning expectations, but sometimes I feel like the pendulum has swung the other way. There is something to having a clean home. I've started noticing how good I feel when I am in a clean, orderly, pleasant-looking environment. I see it even in my children. When they walk into a clean room, they have a burst of energy and excitement from seeing a clean, open space to play in. I am just so tired of being overwhelmed by my surroundings in my own home. I want my home to be more peaceful and enjoyable to me.
So I've tried doing at least one load of laundry every day. For a while now, I've put more of an effort into keeping up with the dishes, and I'm still working on it. I've put new tidying and cleaning practices into place. I'm trying to get my family on board. I've tried cleaning things out, throwing things out, and donating things. I've paid extra attention to different colors and objects and how they make me feel. I've rearranged, I've decorated, I've tried hard to make my home a more enjoyable place. I still have a ways to go, and I'm ok with that, as long as I keep trying.
Yesterday, I fulfilled none of those new goals, and I felt frustrated and depressed, especially since I am a stay at home mom, so those things shouldn't be that hard to do, right? I really did feel like I accomplished nothing. I started examining my day. It wasn't a particularly busy day, so why was I so tired, and how had I accomplished nothing?!
Soon, I realized that I didn't do nothing.
I provided care for my children. It's easy for me to think that this is no big deal. When a mom stays home with her children, many people don't qualify that as work, and they wonder what she does all day. Yet childcare is something that people pay lots of money for, and we put a lot of energy into making sure our children's babysitters, daycare, and schools are high-quality. So even if I am doing nothing else, providing childcare for my children is important.
I watched my friend's child for a while, too.
I continued working on potty training my younger daughter (I had forgotten how much time active potty training takes!).
I fed my family. I went grocery shopping. I was careful to buy healthy foods, and not load up on junk. I made breakfast and lunch (and packed two of them for my husband at work and my older daughter at school). I picked up dinner and added vegetables and fruit at home. Feeding my younger daughter is a job all by itself. Getting her to eat, and to eat enough, is exhausting and frustrating, and often a futile effort.
I took care of my daughter's medication refills. This included one call to the doctor's office, one call to the pharmacist, and two trips to the pharmacy. And all the time it takes to administer the medication and make sure it's the right medicine, the right doses, and the right times.
I dealt with an issue my daughter's been having at school, which included a call to my mom (for advice) and a long talk with my daughter.
I did a few chores. I swept the floor, unloaded the dishwasher and started reloading it, tidied a bit, and come to think of it, I did fold some clothes (thought they are still in the laundry basket).
I came to realize that I did get things done. Important things. When I looked for tangible evidence around my house last night, it didn't look like I did anything, but I did.
I'm not trying to shine a light on myself. I'm just trying to say that when we feel lousy and unaccomplished, sometimes we need to dig a little deeper to find the truth and significance in the work we are doing.
Wow, I am exhausted again! Maybe it's the cloudy days and the upcoming winter?
Friday, November 6, 2015
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Working for Opportunities
I like to watch "Leave it to Beaver" sometimes. I find it amusing. In the most recent episode I watched, Wally asked for nearly $4 to cover the cost of a uniform for a neighborhood baseball team. (I found it interesting that these were professional-looking baseball uniforms, from head to toe, not simply a t-shirt and hat.) Wally's father would not give him the money, but made him earn it by doing yard work for twenty-five cents an hour. All the other neighborhood boys were given the same arrangement by their parents: work at twenty-five cents an hour to earn the uniform, meaning that each boy would have to work for about 16 hours to get their uniforms. The boys started working and then there was a twist in the show, they learned a lesson in economics, and the show ended with the boys finally earning and wearing their uniforms.
This show was aired 58 years ago, and a lot has changed since then, but it got me thinking. When my daughter joined a neighborhood t-ball team, I handed over the $35 without much thought. She didn't have to earn it, and if she had, I likely wouldn't have made her do hard work for 16 hours. But maybe I shouldn't just hand over money like that. These days, I think most parents simply hand over the money for what their children want, especially if it's for sports, music, or other lessons or classes. We pay so that our kids can have opportunities. The opportunities to learn, play, participate in, and pursue sports, art, music, dance, martial arts, and other interests. We are all about giving our children opportunities. But should earning be a part of the opportunity? Hmmm. It's food for thought.
I try to raise my children to not have an attitude of entitlement, which seems so prevalent in society today. A part of parenting is providing for our children, which in some cases means shelling out the money for them to take piano lessons, swim lessons, play on a team, or other things that we know will be good for them, but that they may not initially be interested in. However, there are many things that my children do want. Instead of handing those things over or simply saying "No", I could make my children work for them (though I suspect I'll still be saying 'No' to some things). They can learn to work for things that they want, and that will prepare them for adulthood and teach them to work hard, learn the value of work, and appreciate what they have.
I'm not going to make my kids earn every little thing. They're still kids and they have a lot of learning and growing to do before they're ready to face adulthood. But now I'm going to stop and think the next time money is requested.
Today's pondering brought to you by "Leave it to Beaver"!
This show was aired 58 years ago, and a lot has changed since then, but it got me thinking. When my daughter joined a neighborhood t-ball team, I handed over the $35 without much thought. She didn't have to earn it, and if she had, I likely wouldn't have made her do hard work for 16 hours. But maybe I shouldn't just hand over money like that. These days, I think most parents simply hand over the money for what their children want, especially if it's for sports, music, or other lessons or classes. We pay so that our kids can have opportunities. The opportunities to learn, play, participate in, and pursue sports, art, music, dance, martial arts, and other interests. We are all about giving our children opportunities. But should earning be a part of the opportunity? Hmmm. It's food for thought.
I try to raise my children to not have an attitude of entitlement, which seems so prevalent in society today. A part of parenting is providing for our children, which in some cases means shelling out the money for them to take piano lessons, swim lessons, play on a team, or other things that we know will be good for them, but that they may not initially be interested in. However, there are many things that my children do want. Instead of handing those things over or simply saying "No", I could make my children work for them (though I suspect I'll still be saying 'No' to some things). They can learn to work for things that they want, and that will prepare them for adulthood and teach them to work hard, learn the value of work, and appreciate what they have.
I'm not going to make my kids earn every little thing. They're still kids and they have a lot of learning and growing to do before they're ready to face adulthood. But now I'm going to stop and think the next time money is requested.
Today's pondering brought to you by "Leave it to Beaver"!
Monday, October 5, 2015
Postnatal Body Commentary- Is It Appropriate?
After Kate Middleton had her first baby, I noticed the media frenzy surrounding what her body looked like, even immediately afterwards. People seemed surprised to see her still-protruding belly. One person commented that the general public would have understood if she had chosen to wear something more loose-fitting to conceal her belly better. Not long afterward, the media was praising her body for bouncing back into shape. Around that time, I wrote this as my Facebook status:
The media commenting on celebrities' post-baby bodies (and praising the ones that 'bounce back' quickly) really bothers me. A woman's body should not be scrutinized after she has a baby (or ever). If the media really wanted to comment on the woman's body, they should say something like:
"Talk about amazing bodies! After an uncomfortable 9 months of carrying and nourishing a baby, followed by a painful labor, this woman pushed an 8-pound baby out of her body! Wow!"
The workings of the human body is what makes it amazing, and it should be celebrated as such.
The media commenting on celebrities' post-baby bodies (and praising the ones that 'bounce back' quickly) really bothers me. A woman's body should not be scrutinized after she has a baby (or ever). If the media really wanted to comment on the woman's body, they should say something like:
"Talk about amazing bodies! After an uncomfortable 9 months of carrying and nourishing a baby, followed by a painful labor, this woman pushed an 8-pound baby out of her body! Wow!"
The workings of the human body is what makes it amazing, and it should be celebrated as such.
With the birth of Kate's second child, the commentary of her post-baby body resumed. This time, her post-baby body got rave reviews, and many women bemoaned that maybe if they had great genetics, a professional personal clothing designer, and someone to do their hair and makeup after delivery, they might look something like that, too. (I know lots of celebrities have babies, and lots of postnatal bodies are criticized and commented on. I've never been one to be star-struck, or really care about celebrities any more than anyone else...I'm not sure why Kate Middleton's experiences stand out to me...Something to explore another time, I suppose.)
No one should feel criticism about the way their body looks. But commentary and criticism of pregnant and postnatal bodies really strikes a nerve with me.
I recently commented to a friend that I don't like when people comment on post-baby bodies, even if they are positive comments. I remarked that when someone raves about one person's post-baby body, how are others supposed to feel about their own postnatal bodies? However, that is not what really bothers me. I don't believe others should withhold compliments because it might offend someone else. What bothers me about (even positive) commentary on post-baby bodies is the message it sends. The message that what you look like right after having a baby is important. If after having a baby, your looks is what people think to comment on, it seems that that is what's important. Women are faced with direct and indirect body criticism so much, if there's ever a time they shouldn't have to worry about it, if there's ever a time when looks just DON'T MATTER, it should be after they deliver a baby. There are far more important things going on when a baby is born.
When someone commented on my post-baby body, I didn't care what I looked like at the time. I had a baby in the hospital. I was worried. I was in survival mode. I would sleep when I could, and I ate. Those are the only things I did to take care of my body. I didn't even want to eat. The only reason I did was so that I could keep up my milk supply, and because my mom would prepare food and put it in front of me. (Oh, there's food in front of me? Ok, I guess I'll eat.) A friend of mine also had a NICU baby. She remarked that having a baby in the NICU was one way to lose the baby weight fast, but that she'd rather still be fat.
No one should feel criticism about the way their body looks. But commentary and criticism of pregnant and postnatal bodies really strikes a nerve with me.
I recently commented to a friend that I don't like when people comment on post-baby bodies, even if they are positive comments. I remarked that when someone raves about one person's post-baby body, how are others supposed to feel about their own postnatal bodies? However, that is not what really bothers me. I don't believe others should withhold compliments because it might offend someone else. What bothers me about (even positive) commentary on post-baby bodies is the message it sends. The message that what you look like right after having a baby is important. If after having a baby, your looks is what people think to comment on, it seems that that is what's important. Women are faced with direct and indirect body criticism so much, if there's ever a time they shouldn't have to worry about it, if there's ever a time when looks just DON'T MATTER, it should be after they deliver a baby. There are far more important things going on when a baby is born.
Two days after I had my second baby, I was standing in the waiting room of a children's hospital NICU. A couple of people I am close to commented on my body, saying that you couldn't even tell I had a baby, that I just had a bit of a belly to work off, and that was it. I knew they meant well. But it didn't make me feel any better. I actually wasn't ready for my body to bounce back yet. I couldn't carry my baby around with me because she was in the NICU, so I wanted some kind of visible evidence of her birth. I can't quite explain it, but having a bit of a post-baby belly was somewhat comforting during that time. I had heard a story long ago about a young woman who had given birth to a baby who didn't survive. Shortly after the birth, all stretch marks, baby weight, and any physical evidence of having carried and given birth to her baby was gone. The woman said she wished she could have kept the stretch marks so she would have some physical evidence of her baby (though I'm sure she'll feel the emotional evidence forever). I won't even pretend that what I experienced is even close to what she did. But I did understand the desire to have those physical markings of childbirth, because they indicate that something very important has happened.
When someone commented on my post-baby body, I didn't care what I looked like at the time. I had a baby in the hospital. I was worried. I was in survival mode. I would sleep when I could, and I ate. Those are the only things I did to take care of my body. I didn't even want to eat. The only reason I did was so that I could keep up my milk supply, and because my mom would prepare food and put it in front of me. (Oh, there's food in front of me? Ok, I guess I'll eat.) A friend of mine also had a NICU baby. She remarked that having a baby in the NICU was one way to lose the baby weight fast, but that she'd rather still be fat.
I have another friend who, when pregnant with her second child, was preparing for her second c-section. When it came time to deliver, she was in the hospital, hooked to monitors. All of the sudden the monitor's alarms went off and she was surrounded by a panicked frenzy of doctors and nurses. They hurried to get the baby out, fearing they had lost him. When the doctor lifted the sheet to perform another c-section, she quickly apologized that she'd have to make another c-section incision (and resulting scar) because the first one was in an odd place. However, scars could not be further from my friend's mind. She was worried about the life of her baby (who turned out to be fine, thank goodness).
Other friends of mine delivered healthy babies, but required major medical intervention to save their own lives.
There are thousands, nay, I daresay, millions of things that have to go right for childbirth to result in a living baby and mother (especially a living, healthy baby and mother)! I've heard some people argue that birth is a natural event, not a medical event. While childbirth is a natural event, I would argue that it is also a medical event. I am very happy for people who have had perfectly healthy deliveries with no interventions necessary. Perhaps the reason it is easy to comment on postnatal looks is because we are fortunate to live in a time and place where childbirth is usually a healthy experience, and when we hear a pregnancy announcement, we are joyful instead of fearful of losing mother and/or baby, as was more common in the past (and still is in other places in this world). In modern, developed countries, deliveries are usually relatively uneventful. But all mothers have to work through recovery, postpartum hormones, and exhaustion, even after healthy deliveries. And for many women, a healthy pregnancy and delivery is not a reality. A brief look into history and anthropology reveals that prenatal care and medical intervention has saved lives and improved the health of countless babies and women. So, how especially cruel is it to criticize a woman after she's had a baby and gone through a medical ordeal? To me, that is akin to criticizing someone who just got out of serious surgery, saying, "Hi! How are you- wow, what an incision! Wait, I thought they stitched it up; why is it so noticeable and swollen? When are you gonna start working on getting rid of that? Here, let's cover you up some more." A better approach would be, "How are you feeling? How did it go? You're awesome! Bodies are awesome! Science is awesome! Here's some flowers and chocolates, and I'd be happy to bring you dinner and clean your house when you get home." The focus should not be on looks, but on the mother's and baby's well-being, and the fact that a new person has been born!
I concede (a bit). It's really easy to comment on what you see. Sight is often the first of the five senses to observe a situation. I've commented on looks, too. As shallow as it may be, I enjoy compliments about my looks. Everyone does. I think the important thing is an appropriately-placed compliment. What emphasis are you putting on it? Is it so important that it should be the first thing you say about the situation? How much do you elaborate? How often are you offering this particular compliment? If you feel you want to comment on a postnatal body, and you know it would make the mother feel happy, do so- with tact and modesty. Don't broadcast it to the world. But if you really want to make a mother feel good, the best compliment you can give her (or anyone) is to show your confidence in her. Any mother would love to hear, "I can see how much you love your baby! You are a great mom and you're going to do such a good job!"
Many babies are born every day. Just because it's commonplace doesn't make it any less amazing. It is miraculous. Let's celebrate babies and mothers and families and what's most important!
Other friends of mine delivered healthy babies, but required major medical intervention to save their own lives.
There are thousands, nay, I daresay, millions of things that have to go right for childbirth to result in a living baby and mother (especially a living, healthy baby and mother)! I've heard some people argue that birth is a natural event, not a medical event. While childbirth is a natural event, I would argue that it is also a medical event. I am very happy for people who have had perfectly healthy deliveries with no interventions necessary. Perhaps the reason it is easy to comment on postnatal looks is because we are fortunate to live in a time and place where childbirth is usually a healthy experience, and when we hear a pregnancy announcement, we are joyful instead of fearful of losing mother and/or baby, as was more common in the past (and still is in other places in this world). In modern, developed countries, deliveries are usually relatively uneventful. But all mothers have to work through recovery, postpartum hormones, and exhaustion, even after healthy deliveries. And for many women, a healthy pregnancy and delivery is not a reality. A brief look into history and anthropology reveals that prenatal care and medical intervention has saved lives and improved the health of countless babies and women. So, how especially cruel is it to criticize a woman after she's had a baby and gone through a medical ordeal? To me, that is akin to criticizing someone who just got out of serious surgery, saying, "Hi! How are you- wow, what an incision! Wait, I thought they stitched it up; why is it so noticeable and swollen? When are you gonna start working on getting rid of that? Here, let's cover you up some more." A better approach would be, "How are you feeling? How did it go? You're awesome! Bodies are awesome! Science is awesome! Here's some flowers and chocolates, and I'd be happy to bring you dinner and clean your house when you get home." The focus should not be on looks, but on the mother's and baby's well-being, and the fact that a new person has been born!
I concede (a bit). It's really easy to comment on what you see. Sight is often the first of the five senses to observe a situation. I've commented on looks, too. As shallow as it may be, I enjoy compliments about my looks. Everyone does. I think the important thing is an appropriately-placed compliment. What emphasis are you putting on it? Is it so important that it should be the first thing you say about the situation? How much do you elaborate? How often are you offering this particular compliment? If you feel you want to comment on a postnatal body, and you know it would make the mother feel happy, do so- with tact and modesty. Don't broadcast it to the world. But if you really want to make a mother feel good, the best compliment you can give her (or anyone) is to show your confidence in her. Any mother would love to hear, "I can see how much you love your baby! You are a great mom and you're going to do such a good job!"
Many babies are born every day. Just because it's commonplace doesn't make it any less amazing. It is miraculous. Let's celebrate babies and mothers and families and what's most important!
The Adventures of Potty Training
The adventures of potty training. Doesn't that make it sound so exciting?! Whoo-hooo!
I was talking with Little Sister. Well, I was kind of drilling her. I was frustrated with potty training and was trying to explain to her how it was supposed to work. I'd ask a question, correct her incorrect answer, then try the question again.
Me: "What do we do if we have to go potty?"
Little Sister: "Jump up and down."
"No. We go the bathroom, then go potty in the toilet. What should you do if you have to go potty?"
"Do like this." (Lifted one leg up.)
"No, that's how doggies go potty. You're not a doggie. You go potty in the toilet. Where should you go if you have to go potty?"
"In the living room."
"No, you go in the bathroom, in the toilet. Let's try again. Where should you go if you have to go potty?"
"I go over there."
"I know, that's where you went last time, but you should go to the toilet in the bathroom. That's where we go potty. We want to keep panties clean and dry. How do you keep your panties clean and dry?"
"I peed in my panties."
"I know you did. But next time you should go in the toilet so you don't get your panties wet. How do you keep your panties clean and dry?"
(Mumbled something unintelligible.)
At this point I was getting pretty exasperated and you could hear it in my voice. I wasn't yelling, but I started talking more quickly and firmly. I gave her the correct answer then asked the clean and dry question again, only it came out as... "What.do.you.do... to keep your panties WET and DRY?!"
(Blank stare) "...I don't know."
And I realized my fumble, tried to correct myself, then gave up for the day.
Extra points for me for making potty training more difficult and confusing than it already is! It's a miracle any of us are potty trained, really. I once heard that late/slow potty training was a sign of high intelligence. Maybe because the kid's focused on more intellectually important things? I don't know. I don't actually believe that potty training and intelligence have much to do with each other, but it does give me some comfort (even if it's falsely founded) to think that slow potty training equates to high intelligence. Because if that's true, my kids are freakin' geniuses.
I was talking with Little Sister. Well, I was kind of drilling her. I was frustrated with potty training and was trying to explain to her how it was supposed to work. I'd ask a question, correct her incorrect answer, then try the question again.
Me: "What do we do if we have to go potty?"
Little Sister: "Jump up and down."
"No. We go the bathroom, then go potty in the toilet. What should you do if you have to go potty?"
"Do like this." (Lifted one leg up.)
"No, that's how doggies go potty. You're not a doggie. You go potty in the toilet. Where should you go if you have to go potty?"
"In the living room."
"No, you go in the bathroom, in the toilet. Let's try again. Where should you go if you have to go potty?"
"I go over there."
"I know, that's where you went last time, but you should go to the toilet in the bathroom. That's where we go potty. We want to keep panties clean and dry. How do you keep your panties clean and dry?"
"I peed in my panties."
"I know you did. But next time you should go in the toilet so you don't get your panties wet. How do you keep your panties clean and dry?"
(Mumbled something unintelligible.)
At this point I was getting pretty exasperated and you could hear it in my voice. I wasn't yelling, but I started talking more quickly and firmly. I gave her the correct answer then asked the clean and dry question again, only it came out as... "What.do.you.do... to keep your panties WET and DRY?!"
(Blank stare) "...I don't know."
And I realized my fumble, tried to correct myself, then gave up for the day.
Extra points for me for making potty training more difficult and confusing than it already is! It's a miracle any of us are potty trained, really. I once heard that late/slow potty training was a sign of high intelligence. Maybe because the kid's focused on more intellectually important things? I don't know. I don't actually believe that potty training and intelligence have much to do with each other, but it does give me some comfort (even if it's falsely founded) to think that slow potty training equates to high intelligence. Because if that's true, my kids are freakin' geniuses.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
We're Still Learning: How to Deal with Differences
My daughter (Big Sister) has long been asking questions and making comments about other children, and how they do things that she doesn't do, or how they don't do things that she does do. For example:
"She's not playing the game right."
"Why can't he read? I can read."
"She's not cleaning up how she should. She's just making a mess."
"He's doing something he's not supposed to do."
She is young and is not trying to be mean or judgmental. She is just observing the world around her and is trying to understand and make sense of it. I have a go-to response for a lot of the behavior that she observes, and that is: "He [or she] is still learning." Sometimes, the children Big Sister is around are very young (like Little Sister) and haven't learned something solely because of their age. Sometimes, the children are Big Sister's age (or older) and we think maybe they should know better, but for whatever reason, they're still learning. And that's ok. We're still learning things, too. Big Sister accepts this response, and moves on with more understanding and compassion.
I shared this idea of "she's still learning" to a friend of mine, who suggested that this is something we can keep in mind about adults, too. We can get so angry and impatient with adults who we feel are not doing the right thing, when in fact, we are all still learning. We don't reach a certain point in our lives when we know everything and can cruise for the rest of our existence. We are all still learning until the day we die (and beyond, I believe).
I have had this idea on my mind a lot in relation to politics and general differences of opinion. I hate conflict and I hate politics. Because of that, I don't often volunteer to share views I hold that may be controversial or conflicting. I feel it accomplishes nothing because most people are not able to discuss differing opinions peacefully. I'm still working on it myself. I like peace. But it is impossible to have peace by trying to avoid conflict all of the time. Conflict does and always will exist, and trying to ignore it will not make it go away. One solution I can practice right now is remembering that we're all still learning.
Think for a moment about people who hold vastly different opinions than you do. Those people hold their beliefs because they have had different experiences than you have. They may have been raised in a different way, to believe different things, in a different environment, with different people and schooling influencing their thinking. Even after childhood, the friends, jobs, coworkers, experiences, and other influences people have can affect the way they believe. And ultimately, people are all different. They have different brains, with different physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual abilities. Even siblings who were raised similarly can have opposite opinions and beliefs when it is all said and done. With some views, there may not be a right and a wrong. Sometimes, we just need to agree to disagree and strive to reach a state of contentment despite differences.
Usually, people are 100% convicted and sure in their beliefs, just as you are. Hatred, meanness, and evil does exist, but there are also a lot of good people. There are good people who, when stating an opposing view to someone, are not trying to be mean, hurtful, or hateful. If someone believes that they are, either the recipient is wrongly perceiving it as such, and is still learning how to accurately determine intentions, or the other person is still learning how to convey a message in a way that is more true to the loving ways they actually intend. Or perhaps both parties still have something to learn, either through life experience or study.
"He's still learning" or "She's still learning" is not meant to be patronizing or condescending, as in, "Oh, the poor dear is still learning how the world works, so that's why she feels the way she does." We are all still learning. There are real reasons that people feel the way they do. We need to learn from people, and also understand that because of their experiences and individuality, they may still have something to learn that we already have. And in the same breath, we need to understand that perhaps there is something for us to learn that they have already learned.
Sometimes learning can be painful. Learning does not excuse us from consequences. Students at school do not always get a perfect or a good score, even if they are doing their best and trying diligently to learn. Part of learning is making mistakes, facing consequences, and gleaning what we can from those experiences. Remembering that we're all still learning helps encourage understanding and compassion amidst the hard work and pain.
As far as politics go, I don't think that there is one good solution for every single person. I don't like a lot of the answers out there, but I can't really come up with any of my own. Sometimes the right answer for one group of people means something isn't quite fair for another group. There is no one perfect solution. It's all about trying to find the best solution for the population in general, and that can leave a lot of hurt for individuals going through very personal conflicts. There is not one way, in my opinion, for the government to fix everything. There is a lot of work that falls on us, as individuals, families, and communities, to help people. Whether we are making decisions as a government or individual, we don't have a chance of helping people, or helping others understand our point of view, if we do not try to be understanding ourselves. And we have no chance of finding peace if we don't listen to each other and understand that we're all still learning.
"She's not playing the game right."
"Why can't he read? I can read."
"She's not cleaning up how she should. She's just making a mess."
"He's doing something he's not supposed to do."
She is young and is not trying to be mean or judgmental. She is just observing the world around her and is trying to understand and make sense of it. I have a go-to response for a lot of the behavior that she observes, and that is: "He [or she] is still learning." Sometimes, the children Big Sister is around are very young (like Little Sister) and haven't learned something solely because of their age. Sometimes, the children are Big Sister's age (or older) and we think maybe they should know better, but for whatever reason, they're still learning. And that's ok. We're still learning things, too. Big Sister accepts this response, and moves on with more understanding and compassion.
I shared this idea of "she's still learning" to a friend of mine, who suggested that this is something we can keep in mind about adults, too. We can get so angry and impatient with adults who we feel are not doing the right thing, when in fact, we are all still learning. We don't reach a certain point in our lives when we know everything and can cruise for the rest of our existence. We are all still learning until the day we die (and beyond, I believe).
I have had this idea on my mind a lot in relation to politics and general differences of opinion. I hate conflict and I hate politics. Because of that, I don't often volunteer to share views I hold that may be controversial or conflicting. I feel it accomplishes nothing because most people are not able to discuss differing opinions peacefully. I'm still working on it myself. I like peace. But it is impossible to have peace by trying to avoid conflict all of the time. Conflict does and always will exist, and trying to ignore it will not make it go away. One solution I can practice right now is remembering that we're all still learning.
Think for a moment about people who hold vastly different opinions than you do. Those people hold their beliefs because they have had different experiences than you have. They may have been raised in a different way, to believe different things, in a different environment, with different people and schooling influencing their thinking. Even after childhood, the friends, jobs, coworkers, experiences, and other influences people have can affect the way they believe. And ultimately, people are all different. They have different brains, with different physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual abilities. Even siblings who were raised similarly can have opposite opinions and beliefs when it is all said and done. With some views, there may not be a right and a wrong. Sometimes, we just need to agree to disagree and strive to reach a state of contentment despite differences.
Usually, people are 100% convicted and sure in their beliefs, just as you are. Hatred, meanness, and evil does exist, but there are also a lot of good people. There are good people who, when stating an opposing view to someone, are not trying to be mean, hurtful, or hateful. If someone believes that they are, either the recipient is wrongly perceiving it as such, and is still learning how to accurately determine intentions, or the other person is still learning how to convey a message in a way that is more true to the loving ways they actually intend. Or perhaps both parties still have something to learn, either through life experience or study.
"He's still learning" or "She's still learning" is not meant to be patronizing or condescending, as in, "Oh, the poor dear is still learning how the world works, so that's why she feels the way she does." We are all still learning. There are real reasons that people feel the way they do. We need to learn from people, and also understand that because of their experiences and individuality, they may still have something to learn that we already have. And in the same breath, we need to understand that perhaps there is something for us to learn that they have already learned.
Sometimes learning can be painful. Learning does not excuse us from consequences. Students at school do not always get a perfect or a good score, even if they are doing their best and trying diligently to learn. Part of learning is making mistakes, facing consequences, and gleaning what we can from those experiences. Remembering that we're all still learning helps encourage understanding and compassion amidst the hard work and pain.
As far as politics go, I don't think that there is one good solution for every single person. I don't like a lot of the answers out there, but I can't really come up with any of my own. Sometimes the right answer for one group of people means something isn't quite fair for another group. There is no one perfect solution. It's all about trying to find the best solution for the population in general, and that can leave a lot of hurt for individuals going through very personal conflicts. There is not one way, in my opinion, for the government to fix everything. There is a lot of work that falls on us, as individuals, families, and communities, to help people. Whether we are making decisions as a government or individual, we don't have a chance of helping people, or helping others understand our point of view, if we do not try to be understanding ourselves. And we have no chance of finding peace if we don't listen to each other and understand that we're all still learning.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Shopping with My Little Helpers
Whenever I go to any store with my girls, it's inevitable that at least one person refers to them as my "little helpers". "Oh, I see you have some little helpers with you." "What good little helpers you have!" The girls are helpful. They help pick out the apples, they help put things in the cart, and they help unload the cart onto the conveyor belt (all of which would be accomplished faster if I just did it myself, but that's ok...).
Just so you know how helpful they can be....the following is my dialogue while we are at the grocery store:
"Stay with me...No, we can't get that cart; it's huge and obnoxious and I can barely push it...I guess someone else has the pink cart, maybe next time...No, we're not using a tiny kid's cart today, we have a lot of stuff to get......Please stay with me.....Yes, I see that, that's neat, isn't it.....No, we don't need that.......Please don't walk between me and the cart......Uh, ok, I'll hold you for a minute. Kinda hard to push the cart, too, but whatever......You want to get in the cart? Ok....What? A snack? Ok, we have some Cheerios...Yes that's the only snack I brought...Girls, you need to share...Stay with m- yes, I see Minnie..Yep, I see Mickey, too. Neat. Now, please stay with me......We already have some of those at home, we don't need to get any more.....Mm-hmm...What? Oh! I love you, too!......Yes, I see the blue ball... Come on... Ok, there's a water fountain over here...... No, I don't have any more snacks......Watch where you're going!..... Ok, you can pick the apples, I'll hold the bag... Yeah, I guess if you're good, you can have a cookie at the end before we leave...... Come on, let's go... Wait, stop. I need to look at this... I just need to look at it some more, be patient... It's ok, you're ok, she didn't mean to do that...I know it was an accident, but you still need to give her a hug and a kiss and say 'I'm sorry'....Good job.......We'll be done after we get a few more things we need...... You want out of the cart? Ok, but you need to stay with me... No, we don't need those... WHOA whoa whoa whoa whoa! Don't move! I'll take that from you- It's not a good idea to touch glass jars of maple syrup, ok?..... Yeah, you can get some goldfish, pick out one bag......You have to go the bathroom? We're on the other side of the store now! You can't hold it? Ok, let's go... Come on, let's go... Watch out! Stay with me... Yes, I see, that girl has a Mickey shirt on..Yep, that's a red Mickey shirt...... Let's go..... We've got to go now..... Stay with me..... We already have some at home... We're almost done, we just need some bread... Here, you can put the bread in the cart........ Hang on, I need to look at this... No! Watch out! -Sorry!- You almost hit that guy, don't push the cart by yourself.... Stay with me right here, I'm trying to figure out which one to get...... No, we're not getting that this time; it's not on sale... Come on, let's go check out... Oh yeah, the cookies. Let's go get them... Ok, NOW we're ready to check out...Come on, let's go, I want to get home..... Yeah, you can help...Here, you can put the bananas on there... Hi! Pretty good, and you?.... Yes, plastic's fine... Yes, I do have my little helpers with me..."
They are my little helpers. They help give me opportunities to exercise (my voice, that is). They help me practice patience. They help me learn how to multi-task.
I need a nap.
Just so you know how helpful they can be....the following is my dialogue while we are at the grocery store:
"Stay with me...No, we can't get that cart; it's huge and obnoxious and I can barely push it...I guess someone else has the pink cart, maybe next time...No, we're not using a tiny kid's cart today, we have a lot of stuff to get......Please stay with me.....Yes, I see that, that's neat, isn't it.....No, we don't need that.......Please don't walk between me and the cart......Uh, ok, I'll hold you for a minute. Kinda hard to push the cart, too, but whatever......You want to get in the cart? Ok....What? A snack? Ok, we have some Cheerios...Yes that's the only snack I brought...Girls, you need to share...Stay with m- yes, I see Minnie..Yep, I see Mickey, too. Neat. Now, please stay with me......We already have some of those at home, we don't need to get any more.....Mm-hmm...What? Oh! I love you, too!......Yes, I see the blue ball... Come on... Ok, there's a water fountain over here...... No, I don't have any more snacks......Watch where you're going!..... Ok, you can pick the apples, I'll hold the bag... Yeah, I guess if you're good, you can have a cookie at the end before we leave...... Come on, let's go... Wait, stop. I need to look at this... I just need to look at it some more, be patient... It's ok, you're ok, she didn't mean to do that...I know it was an accident, but you still need to give her a hug and a kiss and say 'I'm sorry'....Good job.......We'll be done after we get a few more things we need...... You want out of the cart? Ok, but you need to stay with me... No, we don't need those... WHOA whoa whoa whoa whoa! Don't move! I'll take that from you- It's not a good idea to touch glass jars of maple syrup, ok?..... Yeah, you can get some goldfish, pick out one bag......You have to go the bathroom? We're on the other side of the store now! You can't hold it? Ok, let's go... Come on, let's go... Watch out! Stay with me... Yes, I see, that girl has a Mickey shirt on..Yep, that's a red Mickey shirt...... Let's go..... We've got to go now..... Stay with me..... We already have some at home... We're almost done, we just need some bread... Here, you can put the bread in the cart........ Hang on, I need to look at this... No! Watch out! -Sorry!- You almost hit that guy, don't push the cart by yourself.... Stay with me right here, I'm trying to figure out which one to get...... No, we're not getting that this time; it's not on sale... Come on, let's go check out... Oh yeah, the cookies. Let's go get them... Ok, NOW we're ready to check out...Come on, let's go, I want to get home..... Yeah, you can help...Here, you can put the bananas on there... Hi! Pretty good, and you?.... Yes, plastic's fine... Yes, I do have my little helpers with me..."
They are my little helpers. They help give me opportunities to exercise (my voice, that is). They help me practice patience. They help me learn how to multi-task.
I need a nap.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Understanding Faith and Depression
Although mental illness is getting more attention in recent years, there are still a lot of skewed ideas about it. Personal experience with depression, which I have suffered from intermittently for years, has taught me a lot. Not all cases of depression are equal. Depression manifests itself differently from one person to another. It comes with many different symptoms and degrees of intensity. Manifestations can also vary with time. The depression I experienced years ago is not the same as the depression I struggle with now. My depression was never self-harming or suicidal, but I have still experienced much despair, and my heart reaches out to those people (and their loved ones) who have experienced self-harming and suicidal depression. I have learned the stigma that is often associated with depression, and therefore dislike the label of "depression". This misnomer causes many to believe that those who suffer from depression are only depressed, i.e., sad, a lot, or that people should have the ability to "snap out of it". I have even felt embarrassed telling medical professionals that I have depression, because I'm afraid it sounds like I'm just whining about having a rough day, although I know better and they hopefully know better.
There are many examples of this relationship and how spirituality will suffer if the body or mind suffers. I attended Brigham Young University, a private Christian school owned by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. All professors were required to tie in a spiritual aspect to all classes. Some did this smoothly, while others seemed to have to really stretch to find a correlation (How do you tie spirituality into a bowling class?). The spiritual connection my Nutrition professor presented was something I don't think I'll ever forget. She showed the class a picture of a severely malnourished child from a third-world country. She said something to the effect of, "If you want to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with this child, are you going to go up and start talking about it? No. First, you're going to try and find some food for this child." You're going to take care of physical needs to the best of your ability before you address spiritual needs. Likewise, if you are eager to share God's word, and you see someone get into an accident, you're going to make sure the person gets medical help before you share the word of God. In both of these examples, the people are not in the best condition to work on their spiritual needs because they have great physical needs.
We usually work simultaneously on the physical, mental, and spiritual well-being of ourselves (and those dependent on us, such as our children), but if one of those things is suffering, we need to put a stronger focus on that aspect of well-being until it is better. And then we can have a more balanced focus of care again.
In my religion, we believe that no commandment is only secular. All commandments have a spiritual component. There are commandments concerning what food and drink I should and shouldn't put in my body. I have also been taught to do my best to keep food storage in my home for emergencies. These instructions are to help my body stay nourished. This would seem to be only a secular endeavor, but think about how you feel when you are very hungry...it definitely affects more than just your physical well-being. It's much easier to get depressed, irritated, and angry when you are really hungry. American culture acknowledges this in the use of the term "hangry" and recent Snickers® commercials, proclaiming "You're not you when you're hungry." There are times when I feel so overwhelmed and in tears. And then I eat lunch. Or I take a nap. Suddenly, things seem better and much more manageable. The more deprived I am of my physical needs, the harder it is to be patient and calm and in a state where I can feel the Spirit of God.
I am fortunate. I was able to get help for my depression, and it has worked. I feel better. I no longer feel so hopeless and sad and numb. I don't cry very much any more; it used to be nearly every day, multiple times a day. I still struggle with trials, and I occasionally have a day when my depression seems to come back with a vengeance. But I am doing better. And, along with those improvements, I am also feeling the Spirit more. I still have some struggles and questions, but I no longer feel that God is so far away.
There are many people who comment on mental illness, implying or directly saying that if only the sufferer had faith, or had religion, he or she would not have this struggle. Many fellow sufferers of mental illness attack this claim, comparing their illness to diabetes, or another sickness that cannot be healed by our faith alone. This comparison is accurate, in that medical and medicinal intervention is often required to heal depression, and may not even help or cure it. However, this comparison doesn't really help others to understand why depression is so incapacitating and how faith is not related to depression in the way that they think it is. Before I started struggling with the illness, I, too, wondered how someone could handle being so sad all the time. I thought they could just pull themselves out of it if they really wanted to. It is really hard to understand what's going on in someone's body if you haven't been through it yourself.
We don't know everything about the body, and especially the brain. We do know that one cause of depression is chemical imbalances in the brain. This is a physiological reason for it; it's not for lack of determination or faith. And as for the other causes of depression, just because we don't fully understand it doesn't mean it doesn't exist or doesn't have a logical reason behind it. There was a time when mankind did not see or understand how sicknesses or impairments worked, and because people wanted an explanation for it, they decided that certain impairments must be caused by some evil doing. As time passed, we gained greater understanding of science, and we are now able to validate and explain sicknesses that were once attributed to evil or a thing of the imagination. People with depression can, and often do, have faith. But even if you feel the comfort faith can offer, you can still feel any combination of the symptoms of depression: crushing sadness, anger, hopelessness, emotional numbness, cognitive difficulties, lack of enjoyment, and physical manifestations of depression (fatigue, headaches, body pains, etc.), among others. Just like many other trials in life, faith can help comfort you, but it cannot erase the trials or its symptoms.
There is another problem with the idea that faith can fix depression. I have learned first-hand that faith becomes something incredibly hard for the chronically depressed. When you have faith and utilize it, you often feel something. You have a strong conviction and an inner peace. You have a warm feeling and a feeling of hope. You feel loved and sure. This is what many of the Christian faith consider to be the Holy Spirit, or the Spirit of God, communicating with our spirit, letting us know what is true, and helping us to feel of God's presence and love. However, those struggling with depression can struggle to feel the Spirit.
Throughout my life, I have been taught that I can always have the Spirit of God with me, as long as I am trying my best, repenting, and avoiding sin. Not long ago, I was rarely feeling the Spirit. I was, and am, far from perfect, but I was trying hard to do what's right. I felt like I should be able to feel the Spirit, especially when I was praying and worshiping. I didn't remember having this problem when I struggled with depression years ago. But the depression I've experienced in more recent years feels different, and it has been accompanied by the frustration of not feeling the Spirit. There were long periods of time when I couldn't feel it at all. I was very confused as to why this was so. God is all-powerful. Can't His Spirit pull through even the darkest clouds of depression? Well, it can. And at times, it does. But often, even when the Spirit's there, we can't feel it.
Throughout my life, I have been taught that I can always have the Spirit of God with me, as long as I am trying my best, repenting, and avoiding sin. Not long ago, I was rarely feeling the Spirit. I was, and am, far from perfect, but I was trying hard to do what's right. I felt like I should be able to feel the Spirit, especially when I was praying and worshiping. I didn't remember having this problem when I struggled with depression years ago. But the depression I've experienced in more recent years feels different, and it has been accompanied by the frustration of not feeling the Spirit. There were long periods of time when I couldn't feel it at all. I was very confused as to why this was so. God is all-powerful. Can't His Spirit pull through even the darkest clouds of depression? Well, it can. And at times, it does. But often, even when the Spirit's there, we can't feel it.
Through counseling, studying, and pondering, I have learned that there are things other than sin that can cause you to not feel the Spirit. Things such as exhaustion, stress, and illness (both physical and mental). I hope that all who are struggling spiritually, for whatever reason, can talk with a trusted friend, family member, and/or religious leader. This can help to find the spiritual support and guidance needed during this time. I believe that sometimes we don't feel the Spirit for a time as a test of our faith. I think this is one of our biggest trials of faith in life: to rely on faith, even when you can't feel it. God is always there, but we don't always feel Him. The sun is always shining, but we don't see it when it is hidden by clouds and storms.
Aside from depression, I have had very hard challenges in my life, as has everyone. During my darkest times, I struggled a lot. But, because I was able to feel the Spirit, I had faith and hope that I'd come out of those hard times. But with this depression, for a long time, I felt nothing. I was trying hard. I was praying. And I still felt absolutely nothing. I felt like even my most fervent prayers bounced off the ceiling. I was confused, as I was not getting what I thought I was promised- the feelings of the Spirit of God. I felt like I would be okay with my depression and all the other tremendous trials I had, if I could feel the Spirit. But as much as I tried, I couldn't. I started to doubt. And lose faith. When you don't experience something for a long time, you stop believing it and start to wonder how you ever believed it.
On more than one occasion, I've heard someone use a light switch as a metaphor for faith. When you flip the light switch, a light comes on. You do it a lot, multiple times every day. So you start developing a strong confidence and belief in what a light switch does. As long as you pay your power bill and keep a working bulb in the socket, you expect light to come on whenever you flip the switch. You don't KNOW it will come on, but it's happened so many times, you have a strong belief that it will work. For most people, faith works the same way. You've never SEEN God, but you know He exists because when you exercise faith, you feel an affirmation through the Spirit that He's real, and through the Spirit, you can see what He's done for you in your life. Well, in this analogy, faith was failing for me. I felt like I had flipped the light switch (exercised faith) so many times when it failed to work (failed to feel the Spirit), that it was becoming increasingly difficult to believe in.
Why is this? Why does clinical depression sometimes affect the ability to feel the Spirit of God? I have learned that there is a strong relationship between the body, mind, and spirit. If you struggle with your mind or body, your spirit can suffer, too. Therefore, feeling the Spirit of God will be difficult.
The body (including the brain) is a dwelling place for your spirit. If your body and/or mind is not in a good condition, your spirit will struggle. This happens temporarily to everyone. When you're really sick, in bed, feverish and throwing up, is your spirit in the greatest shape? Is it easy to feel the Spirit of God? If you're like me, you'll pray to God, but beyond that, you really aren't feeling strong manifestations of the Spirit. You're just trying to get physically well. For most of us, illness like this is relatively short-term. Our bodies recover, and our spirits more or less pick up where it left off. However, there are many people who are chronically ill, be it physically or mentally. In this case, their spirit can suffer and struggle to feel the Spirit of God.
On more than one occasion, I've heard someone use a light switch as a metaphor for faith. When you flip the light switch, a light comes on. You do it a lot, multiple times every day. So you start developing a strong confidence and belief in what a light switch does. As long as you pay your power bill and keep a working bulb in the socket, you expect light to come on whenever you flip the switch. You don't KNOW it will come on, but it's happened so many times, you have a strong belief that it will work. For most people, faith works the same way. You've never SEEN God, but you know He exists because when you exercise faith, you feel an affirmation through the Spirit that He's real, and through the Spirit, you can see what He's done for you in your life. Well, in this analogy, faith was failing for me. I felt like I had flipped the light switch (exercised faith) so many times when it failed to work (failed to feel the Spirit), that it was becoming increasingly difficult to believe in.
Why is this? Why does clinical depression sometimes affect the ability to feel the Spirit of God? I have learned that there is a strong relationship between the body, mind, and spirit. If you struggle with your mind or body, your spirit can suffer, too. Therefore, feeling the Spirit of God will be difficult.
The body (including the brain) is a dwelling place for your spirit. If your body and/or mind is not in a good condition, your spirit will struggle. This happens temporarily to everyone. When you're really sick, in bed, feverish and throwing up, is your spirit in the greatest shape? Is it easy to feel the Spirit of God? If you're like me, you'll pray to God, but beyond that, you really aren't feeling strong manifestations of the Spirit. You're just trying to get physically well. For most of us, illness like this is relatively short-term. Our bodies recover, and our spirits more or less pick up where it left off. However, there are many people who are chronically ill, be it physically or mentally. In this case, their spirit can suffer and struggle to feel the Spirit of God.
There are many examples of this relationship and how spirituality will suffer if the body or mind suffers. I attended Brigham Young University, a private Christian school owned by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. All professors were required to tie in a spiritual aspect to all classes. Some did this smoothly, while others seemed to have to really stretch to find a correlation (How do you tie spirituality into a bowling class?). The spiritual connection my Nutrition professor presented was something I don't think I'll ever forget. She showed the class a picture of a severely malnourished child from a third-world country. She said something to the effect of, "If you want to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with this child, are you going to go up and start talking about it? No. First, you're going to try and find some food for this child." You're going to take care of physical needs to the best of your ability before you address spiritual needs. Likewise, if you are eager to share God's word, and you see someone get into an accident, you're going to make sure the person gets medical help before you share the word of God. In both of these examples, the people are not in the best condition to work on their spiritual needs because they have great physical needs.
We usually work simultaneously on the physical, mental, and spiritual well-being of ourselves (and those dependent on us, such as our children), but if one of those things is suffering, we need to put a stronger focus on that aspect of well-being until it is better. And then we can have a more balanced focus of care again.
In my religion, we believe that no commandment is only secular. All commandments have a spiritual component. There are commandments concerning what food and drink I should and shouldn't put in my body. I have also been taught to do my best to keep food storage in my home for emergencies. These instructions are to help my body stay nourished. This would seem to be only a secular endeavor, but think about how you feel when you are very hungry...it definitely affects more than just your physical well-being. It's much easier to get depressed, irritated, and angry when you are really hungry. American culture acknowledges this in the use of the term "hangry" and recent Snickers® commercials, proclaiming "You're not you when you're hungry." There are times when I feel so overwhelmed and in tears. And then I eat lunch. Or I take a nap. Suddenly, things seem better and much more manageable. The more deprived I am of my physical needs, the harder it is to be patient and calm and in a state where I can feel the Spirit of God.
I am fortunate. I was able to get help for my depression, and it has worked. I feel better. I no longer feel so hopeless and sad and numb. I don't cry very much any more; it used to be nearly every day, multiple times a day. I still struggle with trials, and I occasionally have a day when my depression seems to come back with a vengeance. But I am doing better. And, along with those improvements, I am also feeling the Spirit more. I still have some struggles and questions, but I no longer feel that God is so far away.
I do not want to underestimate the power of faith. We read about miracles in the Bible and other scriptures, about when faithful people were healed of their sicknesses. I believe that all kinds of miracles still happen today, and if it is God's will, He can heal us of our sicknesses. However, this life is meant to have trials, and I think that most of the time, we are meant to suffer through them at least for a time and learn from them. Usually, faith alone does not cure our illnesses. Faith can guide you and help depression on a certain level, just like it can any other illness. It can give you hope and help lift your mood, which can in turn help your body and mind handle the sickness a bit better. But like other illnesses, faith is not the cure-all for depression. Furthermore, even the faithful who have depression can struggle to find spiritual comfort and affirmation in their faith. I pray that all who have felt the tremendous darkness of depression will be able to find healing, and that they will be able to feel the Spirit of God fill their soul and remind them that God was and is there with them all along, even if they couldn't feel His presence. Just like the sun is still doing its job on stormy days, God is working His plans in our lives even when darkness and storms are all that we can see.
Monday, February 16, 2015
The Modesty War
One day recently, Big Sister was admiring how she looked wearing something that I felt was a bit too revealing for the occasion. I told her she probably shouldn't wear it. She told me that she liked it and that we just had different thoughts about it. She wasn't being bratty, she was just simply stating that we have different opinions, and that's ok. I was speechless, as I realized I had no idea what to say.
For one thing, I didn't think we'd be having a discussion about clothing and modesty for at least another four or five years. And I also didn't know how to explain to my six-year-old what she should or shouldn't wear in regards to modesty. I didn't know how to explain why she needed to be careful about the amount of skin she shows. It is quite the conundrum.
Beauty. Expression. Body. Clothing. Those are complex topics that I've given a lot of thought to, but I still haven't decided exactly how I feel about it. I was taught by my family and religion to dress modestly. I was, and am, given guidelines of how to dress appropriately. However, there is still a lot of room for interpretation within those guidelines.
I'm glad my daughter likes the way she looks, but I don't want her to think it's too important. People, especially females, get a lot of mixed messages about their bodies. Girls and women are on the receiving end of much shame and judgement concerning looks and modesty.They are presented with airbrushed and altered photos and made to believe that their natural body isn't good enough. Rampant are tips and articles about how to get a "better" body. The world offers a constant critique of the female body. When it comes to dressing modestly and pondering how much of our "imperfect" bodies to show, everyone has a different opinion of what is appropriate and how a woman should dress. One perspective is that women should dress however they wish because men are in control of their own minds and should be held responsible for their thoughts and actions. A more traditional motivation for modesty tells us that women and girls should cover up more, to show respect and to avoid seducing men.
A popular argument is that women shouldn't worry about how they dress because people are responsible for their own thoughts. If we decide we aren't at all responsible for others' thoughts, that releases us from a lot of responsibility. We are then free to speak our mind and do whatever we please with people. Unkind words and bullying would be condoned, because, under this idea, it is other people's choice to be hurt. But we can't condone bullying. Bullying is awful. While the victim may have a choice of how to respond to bullying, we accept that our actions can be responsible for others' thoughts and actions, on a certain level. We understand this. Most of us would never walk into a job interview in our pajamas. We understand that how we present ourselves makes a difference in how others perceive us. We understand that if we wear pajamas to a job interview, we probably won't get the job, even if we are otherwise the most qualified person available. Under these circumstances, can we agree that our actions and looks directly affect others' thoughts? And can we blame them for having those thoughts? It's an uncomfortable realization that we could be responsible for other's thoughts (to a certain degree). But you can't be responsible for others' choices. Our freedom to choose is ours, and ours alone. If something is put in front of you, you can choose to work hard to think of something else. But there is a relationship, isn't there? We are responsible for ourselves, but we can also influence others. Where do you draw the line?
Many believe that girls and women should dress modestly to respect boys and men. That is, to respect their efforts to think clean thoughts and make good choices. How a woman dresses can make these efforts easier or harder, so it could be argued that women should dress modestly so that they can help men think clean thoughts. I have also known women who cover up more around certain men so that they don't attract them. In this case, they are thinking more of themselves (they don't want to attract men who creep them out). Either way, this way of thinking is implying that women dress modestly to keep others' thoughts clean. However, if we are dressing in a certain way to keep others' thoughts clean, how do we go about that?
According to my own modesty standards, I won't wear short shorts or strapless shirts. But I will wear a swimsuit to the beach, which, while still modest for swimwear (no string bikinis here), is far more revealing than what I usually wear. I know many women who have similarly modest clothing and swimsuit standards. But does this switch in modesty make sense? Do men's minds suddenly avert from women's bodies at the beach or the pool? Is it less of a struggle then? Of course not. So, should we all be swimming in long-sleeved, high-necked shirts and long pants? Wet clothes cling to the body. That could be considered revealing. However, swimming in layers of loose-fitting clothing to avoid that would be dangerous, not to mention very hard to swim in.
What about attraction that goes beyond curves and privates? My husband often compliments my smile. Should I not smile at other men in case someone else is attracted to my smile? If we are dressing to avoid seduction, should we be doing more than what most in this part of the world would consider modest? Do we need to completely cover our bodies, like women in some cultures do? How far do we go? At what point does it become inhibiting, attempting to hide all of our God-given bodies and figures?
One might argue that even if we acknowledge that people are responsible for their own thoughts, if we know that men struggle with clean thoughts in our presence because of what we're wearing, wouldn't it be better for everyone if women dressed less revealing in order to be considerate of men's efforts to control their thoughts? So, we wouldn't be responsible for their thoughts, but we'd be doing something to help them out? But how do we do this? Dressing for others can be very stressful because we can't read minds. We don't know exactly what people are thinking when they look at us. It's not really fair to stress so much about trying to control something that is ultimately out of our control. Still, it bothers me when people or businesses completely disregard people's attempts to be modest and have clean thoughts. For example, Victoria's Secret. I don't have a problem with Victoria's Secret itself. If people want to try to "spice up" their relationship by purchasing Victoria's Secret products, that's their business. But I have a problem with their advertisements, specifically the enormous signs displayed in the windows of their shops, revealing models who are in seductive poses and practically naked. Those signs are there for any man, woman, and child who happens to be strolling the mall. Yes, people have the choice to look away and think of other things, but how hard is that, when it is right in front of you and it is precisely designed and marketed to elicit sexual thoughts and desire? Is there a point when people are no longer able to control their thoughts? But there is always an opportunity to look away and work hard to focus on other things. How much effort do we put into making it easier for others to make the right choices, when the choice, in the end, is theirs alone to make. Where do you draw the line?
Why do we have to worry about a line? Why not stay as far away from the line as we can? Why are we seeing how far we can go without falling (i.e., how revealing we can dress before it's too revealing)? Well, that's complicated. The meaning of "too revealing" varies tremendously. In some cultures, women completely cover every part of their body. In other places, it is culturally acceptable for women to be topless. So, do we follow the society we're a part of? I try to, in some ways. If I go to a foreign country, I'll want to dress somewhat similarly to others in that country because I have respect for that culture, and I don't want to cause problems or look out of place. However, there are certain parts of any culture (including my own) that I absolutely do not agree with, even if that makes me unpopular. So I can't just lean on my own culture's modesty guidelines. Besides, every culture, religion, community, school, family, generation, and individual is different! All have their own standards of beauty and attraction. All have their own interpretations of the definition and importance of modesty. It is virtually impossible to dress in a way that everyone considers to be modest or appropriate.
There is so much anger and contention about what women wear. But it is not as simple as some think. The harsh judgement and finger-pointing need to stop. There is no universally black and white when it comes to choosing what to wear. So many people are trying to do the right things, but we're walking a fine line. It's a balance. It takes effort and self-control from all sides. I hope that people will give me the time and space I need to figure out exactly where I stand, and how I'm going to approach this subject with my daughters. They are much too young to be worrying about modesty and their bodies, but the world is forcing this subject on a younger population. You may not agree with my thoughts about modesty. Regardless, have respect and compassion for me, and I'll do the same for you!
For one thing, I didn't think we'd be having a discussion about clothing and modesty for at least another four or five years. And I also didn't know how to explain to my six-year-old what she should or shouldn't wear in regards to modesty. I didn't know how to explain why she needed to be careful about the amount of skin she shows. It is quite the conundrum.
Beauty. Expression. Body. Clothing. Those are complex topics that I've given a lot of thought to, but I still haven't decided exactly how I feel about it. I was taught by my family and religion to dress modestly. I was, and am, given guidelines of how to dress appropriately. However, there is still a lot of room for interpretation within those guidelines.
I'm glad my daughter likes the way she looks, but I don't want her to think it's too important. People, especially females, get a lot of mixed messages about their bodies. Girls and women are on the receiving end of much shame and judgement concerning looks and modesty.They are presented with airbrushed and altered photos and made to believe that their natural body isn't good enough. Rampant are tips and articles about how to get a "better" body. The world offers a constant critique of the female body. When it comes to dressing modestly and pondering how much of our "imperfect" bodies to show, everyone has a different opinion of what is appropriate and how a woman should dress. One perspective is that women should dress however they wish because men are in control of their own minds and should be held responsible for their thoughts and actions. A more traditional motivation for modesty tells us that women and girls should cover up more, to show respect and to avoid seducing men.
A popular argument is that women shouldn't worry about how they dress because people are responsible for their own thoughts. If we decide we aren't at all responsible for others' thoughts, that releases us from a lot of responsibility. We are then free to speak our mind and do whatever we please with people. Unkind words and bullying would be condoned, because, under this idea, it is other people's choice to be hurt. But we can't condone bullying. Bullying is awful. While the victim may have a choice of how to respond to bullying, we accept that our actions can be responsible for others' thoughts and actions, on a certain level. We understand this. Most of us would never walk into a job interview in our pajamas. We understand that how we present ourselves makes a difference in how others perceive us. We understand that if we wear pajamas to a job interview, we probably won't get the job, even if we are otherwise the most qualified person available. Under these circumstances, can we agree that our actions and looks directly affect others' thoughts? And can we blame them for having those thoughts? It's an uncomfortable realization that we could be responsible for other's thoughts (to a certain degree). But you can't be responsible for others' choices. Our freedom to choose is ours, and ours alone. If something is put in front of you, you can choose to work hard to think of something else. But there is a relationship, isn't there? We are responsible for ourselves, but we can also influence others. Where do you draw the line?
Many believe that girls and women should dress modestly to respect boys and men. That is, to respect their efforts to think clean thoughts and make good choices. How a woman dresses can make these efforts easier or harder, so it could be argued that women should dress modestly so that they can help men think clean thoughts. I have also known women who cover up more around certain men so that they don't attract them. In this case, they are thinking more of themselves (they don't want to attract men who creep them out). Either way, this way of thinking is implying that women dress modestly to keep others' thoughts clean. However, if we are dressing in a certain way to keep others' thoughts clean, how do we go about that?
According to my own modesty standards, I won't wear short shorts or strapless shirts. But I will wear a swimsuit to the beach, which, while still modest for swimwear (no string bikinis here), is far more revealing than what I usually wear. I know many women who have similarly modest clothing and swimsuit standards. But does this switch in modesty make sense? Do men's minds suddenly avert from women's bodies at the beach or the pool? Is it less of a struggle then? Of course not. So, should we all be swimming in long-sleeved, high-necked shirts and long pants? Wet clothes cling to the body. That could be considered revealing. However, swimming in layers of loose-fitting clothing to avoid that would be dangerous, not to mention very hard to swim in.
What about attraction that goes beyond curves and privates? My husband often compliments my smile. Should I not smile at other men in case someone else is attracted to my smile? If we are dressing to avoid seduction, should we be doing more than what most in this part of the world would consider modest? Do we need to completely cover our bodies, like women in some cultures do? How far do we go? At what point does it become inhibiting, attempting to hide all of our God-given bodies and figures?
One might argue that even if we acknowledge that people are responsible for their own thoughts, if we know that men struggle with clean thoughts in our presence because of what we're wearing, wouldn't it be better for everyone if women dressed less revealing in order to be considerate of men's efforts to control their thoughts? So, we wouldn't be responsible for their thoughts, but we'd be doing something to help them out? But how do we do this? Dressing for others can be very stressful because we can't read minds. We don't know exactly what people are thinking when they look at us. It's not really fair to stress so much about trying to control something that is ultimately out of our control. Still, it bothers me when people or businesses completely disregard people's attempts to be modest and have clean thoughts. For example, Victoria's Secret. I don't have a problem with Victoria's Secret itself. If people want to try to "spice up" their relationship by purchasing Victoria's Secret products, that's their business. But I have a problem with their advertisements, specifically the enormous signs displayed in the windows of their shops, revealing models who are in seductive poses and practically naked. Those signs are there for any man, woman, and child who happens to be strolling the mall. Yes, people have the choice to look away and think of other things, but how hard is that, when it is right in front of you and it is precisely designed and marketed to elicit sexual thoughts and desire? Is there a point when people are no longer able to control their thoughts? But there is always an opportunity to look away and work hard to focus on other things. How much effort do we put into making it easier for others to make the right choices, when the choice, in the end, is theirs alone to make. Where do you draw the line?
Why do we have to worry about a line? Why not stay as far away from the line as we can? Why are we seeing how far we can go without falling (i.e., how revealing we can dress before it's too revealing)? Well, that's complicated. The meaning of "too revealing" varies tremendously. In some cultures, women completely cover every part of their body. In other places, it is culturally acceptable for women to be topless. So, do we follow the society we're a part of? I try to, in some ways. If I go to a foreign country, I'll want to dress somewhat similarly to others in that country because I have respect for that culture, and I don't want to cause problems or look out of place. However, there are certain parts of any culture (including my own) that I absolutely do not agree with, even if that makes me unpopular. So I can't just lean on my own culture's modesty guidelines. Besides, every culture, religion, community, school, family, generation, and individual is different! All have their own standards of beauty and attraction. All have their own interpretations of the definition and importance of modesty. It is virtually impossible to dress in a way that everyone considers to be modest or appropriate.
There is so much anger and contention about what women wear. But it is not as simple as some think. The harsh judgement and finger-pointing need to stop. There is no universally black and white when it comes to choosing what to wear. So many people are trying to do the right things, but we're walking a fine line. It's a balance. It takes effort and self-control from all sides. I hope that people will give me the time and space I need to figure out exactly where I stand, and how I'm going to approach this subject with my daughters. They are much too young to be worrying about modesty and their bodies, but the world is forcing this subject on a younger population. You may not agree with my thoughts about modesty. Regardless, have respect and compassion for me, and I'll do the same for you!
Monday, January 12, 2015
Christmas in January
I celebrated Christmas last month, and I will celebrate it this December, too. But this year, I am continuing my celebrations well into January. Here's why:
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1. Keep the good things coming
This Christmas season was the first one I've really enjoyed in years. I didn't want it to end so soon. It's a little odd, if you think about it: we prepare and celebrate a whole month before, then we reach Christmas Day, and the next day it's all over, radio stations are back to their usual music, decorations are taken down, and it seems Christmas is forgotten. (Ok, it's not exactly like that; usually a lot of those things are still going on until New Year's Day, at least. And, as I discovered in my travels this year, airports are still decorated and playing Christmas music for a while after New Year's Day, too. But I was really disappointed to turn on the radio the morning after Christmas and find the regular music back on. It seemed like they just wanted to forget Christmas immediately.)
2. Improving January
January's a terrible, depressing month. Continuing to celebrate Christmas-and focusing on Christ-makes it better.
3. Snow
It didn't snow here until after Christmas. Any other time, I hate snow. But right around Christmastime, I wouldn't mind some snow: a light snow that covers the grass, trees, and rooftops, but stays off the roads would be ideal for me. This way I can sort of get a white Christmas, and it makes the dreadful snow of January a bit better if I associate it with Christmas.
4. Relaxing
January Christmas celebrations are more relaxing. We're not in a rush, trying to get to events. We're not trying to get shopping done and things mailed out in time. We can just enjoy the music, the movies, and the food. The downside is that when we go anywhere, Christmas is all put away, so it's hard to feel as festive as we do during the traditional Christmas season. But in our house, we're still rockin' around the Christmas tree.
5. Sales
You can get Christmas stuff at the store really cheap and enjoy it now (rather than waiting for next year).
6. Learning
I feel like we can focus on Christ-the whole reason for Christmas- more when we're not so wrapped up in the more stressful parts of Christmas. This year, I decided to have a different kind of focus. During the traditional Christmas season, we prepare and celebrate in anticipation of Christ's birth. We also participate in the family and cultural traditions that make Christmas memories so warm. After Christmas Day, we focus on what came next: The life of Jesus and His teachings and what He did that makes Christmas such a big celebration.
I can't guarantee this will happen next year, or any other year. Maybe it will become a tradition. Maybe it won't. But this year, if you come to my house in January, Christmas will be there. The music and movies will be playing and the decorations will be up.
1. Keep the good things coming
This Christmas season was the first one I've really enjoyed in years. I didn't want it to end so soon. It's a little odd, if you think about it: we prepare and celebrate a whole month before, then we reach Christmas Day, and the next day it's all over, radio stations are back to their usual music, decorations are taken down, and it seems Christmas is forgotten. (Ok, it's not exactly like that; usually a lot of those things are still going on until New Year's Day, at least. And, as I discovered in my travels this year, airports are still decorated and playing Christmas music for a while after New Year's Day, too. But I was really disappointed to turn on the radio the morning after Christmas and find the regular music back on. It seemed like they just wanted to forget Christmas immediately.)
2. Improving January
January's a terrible, depressing month. Continuing to celebrate Christmas-and focusing on Christ-makes it better.
3. Snow
It didn't snow here until after Christmas. Any other time, I hate snow. But right around Christmastime, I wouldn't mind some snow: a light snow that covers the grass, trees, and rooftops, but stays off the roads would be ideal for me. This way I can sort of get a white Christmas, and it makes the dreadful snow of January a bit better if I associate it with Christmas.
4. Relaxing
January Christmas celebrations are more relaxing. We're not in a rush, trying to get to events. We're not trying to get shopping done and things mailed out in time. We can just enjoy the music, the movies, and the food. The downside is that when we go anywhere, Christmas is all put away, so it's hard to feel as festive as we do during the traditional Christmas season. But in our house, we're still rockin' around the Christmas tree.
5. Sales
You can get Christmas stuff at the store really cheap and enjoy it now (rather than waiting for next year).
6. Learning
I feel like we can focus on Christ-the whole reason for Christmas- more when we're not so wrapped up in the more stressful parts of Christmas. This year, I decided to have a different kind of focus. During the traditional Christmas season, we prepare and celebrate in anticipation of Christ's birth. We also participate in the family and cultural traditions that make Christmas memories so warm. After Christmas Day, we focus on what came next: The life of Jesus and His teachings and what He did that makes Christmas such a big celebration.
I can't guarantee this will happen next year, or any other year. Maybe it will become a tradition. Maybe it won't. But this year, if you come to my house in January, Christmas will be there. The music and movies will be playing and the decorations will be up.
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