We're Still Learning: How to Deal with Differences

My daughter (Big Sister) has long been asking questions and making comments about other children, and how they do things that she doesn't do, or how they don't do things that she does do. For example:

"She's not playing the game right."
"Why can't he read? I can read."
"She's not cleaning up how she should. She's just making a mess."
"He's doing something he's not supposed to do."

She is young and is not trying to be mean or judgmental. She is just observing the world around her and is trying to understand and make sense of it. I have a go-to response for a lot of the behavior that she observes, and that is: "He [or she] is still learning." Sometimes, the children Big Sister is around are very young (like Little Sister) and haven't learned something solely because of their age. Sometimes, the children are Big Sister's age (or older) and we think maybe they should know better, but for whatever reason, they're still learning. And that's ok. We're still learning things, too. Big Sister accepts this response, and moves on with more understanding and compassion.

I shared this idea of "she's still learning" to a friend of mine, who suggested that this is something we can keep in mind about adults, too. We can get so angry and impatient with adults who we feel are not doing the right thing, when in fact, we are all still learning. We don't reach a certain point in our lives when we know everything and can cruise for the rest of our existence. We are all still learning until the day we die (and beyond, I believe).

I have had this idea on my mind a lot in relation to politics and general differences of opinion. I hate conflict and I hate politics. Because of that, I don't often volunteer to share views I hold that may be controversial or conflicting. I feel it accomplishes nothing because most people are not able to discuss differing opinions peacefully. I'm still working on it myself. I like peace. But it is impossible to have peace by trying to avoid conflict all of the time. Conflict does and always will exist, and trying to ignore it will not make it go away. One solution I can practice right now is remembering that we're all still learning.

Think for a moment about people who hold vastly different opinions than you do. Those people hold their beliefs because they have had different experiences than you have. They may have been raised in a different way, to believe different things, in a different environment, with different people and schooling influencing their thinking. Even after childhood, the friends, jobs, coworkers, experiences, and other influences people have can affect the way they believe. And ultimately, people are all different. They have different brains, with different physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual abilities. Even siblings who were raised similarly can have opposite opinions and beliefs when it is all said and done. With some views, there may not be a right and a wrong. Sometimes, we just need to agree to disagree and strive to reach a state of contentment despite differences.

Usually, people are 100% convicted and sure in their beliefs, just as you are. Hatred, meanness, and evil does exist, but there are also a lot of good people. There are good people who, when stating an opposing view to someone, are not trying to be mean, hurtful, or hateful. If someone believes that they are, either the recipient is wrongly perceiving it as such, and is still learning how to accurately determine intentions, or the other person is still learning how to convey a message in a way that is more true to the loving ways they actually intend. Or perhaps both parties still have something to learn, either through life experience or study.

"He's still learning" or "She's still learning" is not meant to be patronizing or condescending, as in, "Oh, the poor dear is still learning how the world works, so that's why she feels the way she does." We are all still learning. There are real reasons that people feel the way they do. We need to learn from people, and also understand that because of their experiences and individuality, they may still have something to learn that we already have. And in the same breath, we need to understand that perhaps there is something for us to learn that they have already learned.

Sometimes learning can be painful. Learning does not excuse us from consequences. Students at school do not always get a perfect or a good score, even if they are doing their best and trying diligently to learn. Part of learning is making mistakes, facing consequences, and gleaning what we can from those experiences. Remembering that we're all still learning helps encourage understanding and compassion amidst the hard work and pain.

As far as politics go, I don't think that there is one good solution for every single person. I don't like a lot of the answers out there, but I can't really come up with any of my own. Sometimes the right answer for one group of people means something isn't quite fair for another group. There is no one perfect solution. It's all about trying to find the best solution for the population in general, and that can leave a lot of hurt for individuals going through very personal conflicts. There is not one way, in my opinion, for the government to fix everything. There is a lot of work that falls on us, as individuals, families, and communities, to help people. Whether we are making decisions as a government or individual, we don't have a chance of helping people, or helping others understand our point of view, if we do not try to be understanding ourselves. And we have no chance of finding peace if we don't listen to each other and understand that we're all still learning.