The Modesty War

One day recently, Big Sister was admiring how she looked wearing something that I felt was a bit too revealing for the occasion. I told her she probably shouldn't wear it. She told me that she liked it and that we just had different thoughts about it. She wasn't being bratty, she was just simply stating that we have different opinions, and that's ok. I was speechless, as I realized I had no idea what to say.

For one thing, I didn't think we'd be having a discussion about clothing and modesty for at least another four or five years. And I also didn't know how to explain to my six-year-old what she should or shouldn't wear in regards to modesty. I didn't know how to explain why she needed to be careful about the amount of skin she shows.  It is quite the conundrum.

Beauty. Expression. Body. Clothing. Those are complex topics that I've given a lot of thought to, but I still haven't decided exactly how I feel about it. I was taught by my family and religion to dress modestly. I was, and am, given guidelines of how to dress appropriately. However, there is still a lot of room for interpretation within those guidelines.

I'm glad my daughter likes the way she looks, but I don't want her to think it's too important. People, especially females, get a lot of mixed messages about their bodies. Girls and women are on the receiving end of much shame and judgement concerning looks and modesty.They are presented with airbrushed and altered photos and made to believe that their natural body isn't good enough. Rampant are tips and articles about how to get a "better" body. The world offers a constant critique of the female body. When it comes to dressing modestly and pondering how much of our "imperfect" bodies to show, everyone has a different opinion of what is appropriate and how a woman should dress. One perspective is that women should dress however they wish because men are in control of their own minds and should be held responsible for their thoughts and actions. A more traditional motivation for modesty tells us that women and girls should cover up more, to show respect and to avoid seducing men.

A popular argument is that women shouldn't worry about how they dress because people are responsible for their own thoughts. If we decide we aren't at all responsible for others' thoughts, that releases us from a lot of responsibility. We are then free to speak our mind and do whatever we please with people. Unkind words and bullying would be condoned, because, under this idea, it is other people's choice to be hurt. But we can't condone bullying. Bullying is awful. While the victim may have a choice of how to respond to bullying, we accept that our actions can be responsible for others' thoughts and actions, on a certain level. We understand this. Most of us would never walk into a job interview in our pajamas. We understand that how we present ourselves makes a difference in how others perceive us. We understand that if we wear pajamas to a job interview, we probably won't get the job, even if we are otherwise the most qualified person available. Under these circumstances, can we agree that our actions and looks directly affect others' thoughts? And can we blame them for having those thoughts? It's an uncomfortable realization that we could be responsible for other's thoughts (to a certain degree). But you can't be responsible for others' choices. Our freedom to choose is ours, and ours alone. If something is put in front of you, you can choose to work hard to think of something else. But there is a relationship, isn't there? We are responsible for ourselves, but we can also influence others. Where do you draw the line?

Many believe that girls and women should dress modestly to respect boys and men. That is, to respect their efforts to think clean thoughts and make good choices. How a woman dresses can make these efforts easier or harder, so it could be argued that women should dress modestly so that they can help men think clean thoughts. I have also known women who cover up more around certain men so that they don't attract them. In this case, they are thinking more of themselves (they don't want to attract men who creep them out). Either way, this way of thinking is implying that women dress modestly to keep others' thoughts clean. However, if we are dressing in a certain way to keep others' thoughts clean, how do we go about that?



According to my own modesty standards, I won't wear short shorts or strapless shirts. But I will wear a swimsuit to the beach, which, while still modest for swimwear (no string bikinis here), is far more revealing than what I usually wear. I know many women who have similarly modest clothing and swimsuit standards. But does this switch in modesty make sense? Do men's minds suddenly avert from women's bodies at the beach or the pool? Is it less of a struggle then? Of course not. So, should we all be swimming in long-sleeved, high-necked shirts and long pants? Wet clothes cling to the body. That could be considered revealing. However, swimming in layers of loose-fitting clothing to avoid that would be dangerous, not to mention very hard to swim in.

What about attraction that goes beyond curves and privates?  My husband often compliments my smile. Should I not smile at other men in case someone else is attracted to my smile? If we are dressing to avoid seduction, should we be doing more than what most in this part of the world would consider modest? Do we need to completely cover our bodies, like women in some cultures do? How far do we go? At what point does it become inhibiting, attempting to hide all of our God-given bodies and figures?

One might argue that even if we acknowledge that people are responsible for their own thoughts, if we know that men struggle with clean thoughts in our presence because of what we're wearing, wouldn't it be better for everyone if women dressed less revealing in order to be considerate of men's efforts to control their thoughts? So, we wouldn't be responsible for their thoughts, but we'd be doing something to help them out? But how do we do this? Dressing for others can be very stressful because we can't read minds. We don't know exactly what people are thinking when they look at us. It's not really fair to stress so much about trying to control something that is ultimately out of our control. Still, it bothers me when people or businesses completely disregard people's attempts to be modest and have clean thoughts. For example, Victoria's Secret. I don't have a problem with Victoria's Secret itself. If people want to try to "spice up" their relationship by purchasing Victoria's Secret products, that's their business. But I have a problem with their advertisements, specifically the enormous signs displayed in the windows of their shops, revealing models who are in seductive poses and practically naked. Those signs are there for any man, woman, and child who happens to be strolling the mall. Yes, people have the choice to look away and think of other things, but how hard is that, when it is right in front of you and it is precisely designed and marketed to elicit sexual thoughts and desire? Is there a point when people are no longer able to control their thoughts? But there is always an opportunity to look away and work hard to focus on other things. How much effort do we put into making it easier for others to make the right choices, when the choice, in the end, is theirs alone to make. Where do you draw the line?

Why do we have to worry about a line? Why not stay as far away from the line as we can? Why are we seeing how far we can go without falling (i.e., how revealing we can dress before it's too revealing)? Well, that's complicated. The meaning of "too revealing" varies tremendously. In some cultures, women completely cover every part of their body. In other places, it is culturally acceptable for women to be topless. So, do we follow the society we're a part of? I try to, in some ways. If I go to a foreign country, I'll want to dress somewhat similarly to others in that country because I have respect for that culture, and I don't want to cause problems or look out of place. However, there are certain parts of any culture (including my own) that I absolutely do not agree with, even if that makes me unpopular. So I can't just lean on my own culture's modesty guidelines. Besides, every culture, religion, community, school, family, generation, and individual is different! All have their own standards of beauty and attraction. All have their own interpretations of the definition and importance of modesty. It is virtually impossible to dress in a way that everyone considers to be modest or appropriate.

There is so much anger and contention about what women wear. But it is not as simple as some think. The harsh judgement and finger-pointing need to stop. There is no universally black and white when it comes to choosing what to wear. So many people are trying to do the right things, but we're walking a fine line. It's a balance. It takes effort and self-control from all sides. I hope that people will give me the time and space I need to figure out exactly where I stand, and how I'm going to approach this subject with my daughters. They are much too young to be worrying about modesty and their bodies, but the world is forcing this subject on a younger population. You may not agree with my thoughts about modesty. Regardless, have respect and compassion for me, and I'll do the same for you!