Working for Opportunities

I like to watch "Leave it to Beaver" sometimes. I find it amusing. In the most recent episode I watched, Wally asked for nearly $4 to cover the cost of a uniform for a neighborhood baseball team. (I found it interesting that these were professional-looking baseball uniforms, from head to toe, not simply a t-shirt and hat.) Wally's father would not give him the money, but made him earn it by doing yard work for twenty-five cents an hour. All the other neighborhood boys were given the same arrangement by their parents: work at twenty-five cents an hour to earn the uniform, meaning that each boy would have to work for about 16 hours to get their uniforms. The boys started working and then there was a twist in the show, they learned a lesson in economics, and the show ended with the boys finally earning and wearing their uniforms.

This show was aired 58 years ago, and a lot has changed since then, but it got me thinking. When my daughter joined a neighborhood t-ball team, I handed over the $35 without much thought. She didn't have to earn it, and if she had, I likely wouldn't have made her do hard work for 16 hours. But maybe I shouldn't just hand over money like that. These days, I think most parents simply hand over the money for what their children want, especially if it's for sports, music, or other lessons or classes. We pay so that our kids can have opportunities. The opportunities to learn, play, participate in, and pursue sports, art, music, dance, martial arts, and other interests. We are all about giving our children opportunities. But should earning be a part of the opportunity? Hmmm. It's food for thought.

I try to raise my children to not have an attitude of entitlement, which seems so prevalent in society today. A part of parenting is providing for our children, which in some cases means shelling out the money for them to take piano lessons, swim lessons, play on a team, or other things that we know will be good for them, but that they may not initially be interested in. However, there are many things that my children do want. Instead of handing those things over or simply saying "No", I could make my children work for them (though I suspect I'll still be saying 'No' to some things). They can learn to work for things that they want, and that will prepare them for adulthood and teach them to work hard, learn the value of work, and appreciate what they have.

I'm not going to make my kids earn every little thing. They're still kids and they have a lot of learning and growing to do before they're ready to face adulthood. But now I'm going to stop and think the next time money is requested.

Today's pondering brought to you by "Leave it to Beaver"!

Postnatal Body Commentary- Is It Appropriate?

After Kate Middleton had her first baby, I noticed the media frenzy surrounding what her body looked like, even immediately afterwards. People seemed surprised to see her still-protruding belly. One person commented that the general public would have understood if she had chosen to wear something more loose-fitting to conceal her belly better. Not long afterward, the media was praising her body for bouncing back into shape. Around that time, I wrote this as my Facebook status:

The media commenting on celebrities' post-baby bodies (and praising the ones that 'bounce back' quickly) really bothers me. A woman's body should not be scrutinized after she has a baby (or ever). If the media really wanted to comment on the woman's body, they should say something like: 
"Talk about amazing bodies! After an uncomfortable 9 months of carrying and nourishing a baby, followed by a painful labor, this woman pushed an 8-pound baby out of her body! Wow!" 
The workings of the human body is what makes it amazing, and it should be celebrated as such. 

With the birth of Kate's second child, the commentary of her post-baby body resumed.  This time, her post-baby body got rave reviews, and many women bemoaned that maybe if they had great genetics, a professional personal clothing designer, and someone to do their hair and makeup after delivery, they might look something like that, too. (I know lots of celebrities have babies, and lots of postnatal bodies are criticized and commented on. I've never been one to be star-struck, or really care about celebrities any more than anyone else...I'm not sure why Kate Middleton's experiences stand out to me...Something to explore another time, I suppose.)

No one should feel criticism about the way their body looks. But commentary and criticism of pregnant and postnatal bodies really strikes a nerve with me. 

I recently commented to a friend that I don't like when people comment on post-baby bodies, even if they are positive comments. I remarked that when someone raves about one person's post-baby body, how are others supposed to feel about their own postnatal bodies? However, that is not what really bothers me. I don't believe others should withhold compliments because it might offend someone else. What bothers me about (even positive) commentary on post-baby bodies is the message it sends. The message that what you look like right after having a baby is important. If after having a baby, your looks is what people think to comment on, it seems that that is what's important. Women are faced with direct and indirect body criticism so much, if there's ever a time they shouldn't have to worry about it, if there's ever a time when looks just DON'T MATTER, it should be after they deliver a baby. There are far more important things going on when a baby is born.  

Two days after I had my second baby, I was standing in the waiting room of a children's hospital NICU. A couple of people I am close to commented on my body, saying that you couldn't even tell I had a baby, that I just had a bit of a belly to work off, and that was it. I knew they meant well. But it didn't make me feel any better. I actually wasn't ready for my body to bounce back yet. I couldn't carry my baby around with me because she was in the NICU, so I wanted some kind of visible evidence of her birth. I can't quite explain it, but having a bit of a post-baby belly was somewhat comforting during that time. I had heard a story long ago about a young woman who had given birth to a baby who didn't survive. Shortly after the birth, all stretch marks, baby weight, and any physical evidence of having carried and given birth to her baby was gone. The woman said she wished she could have kept the stretch marks so she would have some physical evidence of her baby (though I'm sure she'll feel the emotional evidence forever). I won't even pretend that what I experienced is even close to what she did. But I did understand the desire to have those physical markings of childbirth, because they indicate that something very important has happened. 

When someone commented on my post-baby body, I didn't care what I looked like at the time. I had a baby in the hospital. I was worried. I was in survival mode. I would sleep when I could, and I ate. Those are the only things I did to take care of my body. I didn't even want to eat. The only reason I did was so that I could keep up my milk supply, and because my mom would prepare food and put it in front of me. (Oh, there's food in front of me? Ok, I guess I'll eat.) A friend of mine also had a NICU baby. She remarked that having a baby in the NICU was one way to lose the baby weight fast, but that she'd rather still be fat. 

I have another friend who, when pregnant with her second child, was preparing for her second c-section. When it came time to deliver, she was in the hospital, hooked to monitors. All of the sudden the monitor's alarms went off and she was surrounded by a panicked frenzy of doctors and nurses. They hurried to get the baby out, fearing they had lost him. When the doctor lifted the sheet to perform another c-section, she quickly apologized that she'd have to make another c-section incision (and resulting scar) because the first one was in an odd place. However, scars could not be further from my friend's mind. She was worried about the life of her baby (who turned out to be fine, thank goodness).

Other friends of mine delivered healthy babies, but required major medical intervention to save their own lives.

There are thousands, nay, I daresay, millions of things that have to go right for childbirth to result in a living baby and mother (especially a living, healthy baby and mother)! I've heard some people argue that birth is a natural event, not a medical event. While childbirth is a natural event, I would argue that it is also a medical event. I am very happy for people who have had perfectly healthy deliveries with no interventions necessary. Perhaps the reason it is easy to comment on postnatal looks is because we are fortunate to live in a time and place where childbirth is usually a healthy experience, and when we hear a pregnancy announcement, we are joyful instead of fearful of losing mother and/or baby, as was more common in the past (and still is in other places in this world). In modern, developed countries, deliveries are usually relatively uneventful. But all mothers have to work through recovery, postpartum hormones, and exhaustion, even after healthy deliveries. And for many women, a healthy pregnancy and delivery is not a reality. A brief look into history and anthropology reveals that prenatal care and medical intervention has saved lives and improved the health of countless babies and women. So, how especially cruel is it to criticize a woman after she's had a baby and gone through a medical ordeal? To me, that is akin to criticizing someone who just got out of serious surgery, saying, "Hi! How are you- wow, what an incision! Wait, I thought they stitched it up; why is it so noticeable and swollen? When are you gonna start working on getting rid of that? Here, let's cover you up some more." A better approach would be, "How are you feeling? How did it go? You're awesome! Bodies are awesome! Science is awesome! Here's some flowers and chocolates, and I'd be happy to bring you dinner and clean your house when you get home." The focus should not be on looks, but on the mother's and baby's well-being, and the fact that a new person has been born!

I concede (a bit). It's really easy to comment on what you see. Sight is often the first of the five senses to observe a situation. I've commented on looks, too. As shallow as it may be, I enjoy compliments about my looks. Everyone does. I think the important thing is an appropriately-placed compliment. What emphasis are you putting on it? Is it so important that it should be the first thing you say about the situation? How much do you elaborate? How often are you offering this particular compliment? If you feel you want to comment on a postnatal body, and you know it would make the mother feel happy, do so- with tact and modesty. Don't broadcast it to the world. But if you really want to make a mother feel good, the best compliment you can give her (or anyone) is to show your confidence in her. Any mother would love to hear, "I can see how much you love your baby! You are a great mom and you're going to do such a good job!"

Many babies are born every day. Just because it's commonplace doesn't make it any less amazing. It is miraculous. Let's celebrate babies and mothers and families and what's most important!

The Adventures of Potty Training

The adventures of potty training. Doesn't that make it sound so exciting?! Whoo-hooo!

I was talking with Little Sister. Well, I was kind of drilling her. I was frustrated with potty training and was trying to explain to her how it was supposed to work. I'd ask a question, correct her incorrect answer, then try the question again.

Me: "What do we do if we have to go potty?"

Little Sister: "Jump up and down."

"No. We go the bathroom, then go potty in the toilet. What should you do if you have to go potty?"

"Do like this." (Lifted one leg up.)

"No, that's how doggies go potty. You're not a doggie. You go potty in the toilet. Where should you go if you have to go potty?"

"In the living room."

"No, you go in the bathroom, in the toilet. Let's try again. Where should you go if you have to go potty?"

"I go over there."

"I know, that's where you went last time, but you should go to the toilet in the bathroom. That's where we go potty. We want to keep panties clean and dry. How do you keep your panties clean and dry?"

"I peed in my panties."

"I know you did. But next time you should go in the toilet so you don't get your panties wet. How do you keep your panties clean and dry?"

(Mumbled something unintelligible.)

At this point I was getting pretty exasperated and you could hear it in my voice. I wasn't yelling, but I started talking more quickly and firmly. I gave her the correct answer then asked the clean and dry question again, only it came out as... "What.do.you.do... to keep your panties WET and DRY?!"

(Blank stare) "...I don't know."

And I realized my fumble, tried to correct myself, then gave up for the day.

Extra points for me for making potty training more difficult and confusing than it already is! It's a miracle any of us are potty trained, really. I once heard that late/slow potty training was a sign of high intelligence. Maybe because the kid's focused on more intellectually important things? I don't know. I don't actually believe that potty training and intelligence have much to do with each other, but it does give me some comfort (even if it's falsely founded) to think that slow potty training equates to high intelligence. Because if that's true, my kids are freakin' geniuses.

We're Still Learning: How to Deal with Differences

My daughter (Big Sister) has long been asking questions and making comments about other children, and how they do things that she doesn't do, or how they don't do things that she does do. For example:

"She's not playing the game right."
"Why can't he read? I can read."
"She's not cleaning up how she should. She's just making a mess."
"He's doing something he's not supposed to do."

She is young and is not trying to be mean or judgmental. She is just observing the world around her and is trying to understand and make sense of it. I have a go-to response for a lot of the behavior that she observes, and that is: "He [or she] is still learning." Sometimes, the children Big Sister is around are very young (like Little Sister) and haven't learned something solely because of their age. Sometimes, the children are Big Sister's age (or older) and we think maybe they should know better, but for whatever reason, they're still learning. And that's ok. We're still learning things, too. Big Sister accepts this response, and moves on with more understanding and compassion.

I shared this idea of "she's still learning" to a friend of mine, who suggested that this is something we can keep in mind about adults, too. We can get so angry and impatient with adults who we feel are not doing the right thing, when in fact, we are all still learning. We don't reach a certain point in our lives when we know everything and can cruise for the rest of our existence. We are all still learning until the day we die (and beyond, I believe).

I have had this idea on my mind a lot in relation to politics and general differences of opinion. I hate conflict and I hate politics. Because of that, I don't often volunteer to share views I hold that may be controversial or conflicting. I feel it accomplishes nothing because most people are not able to discuss differing opinions peacefully. I'm still working on it myself. I like peace. But it is impossible to have peace by trying to avoid conflict all of the time. Conflict does and always will exist, and trying to ignore it will not make it go away. One solution I can practice right now is remembering that we're all still learning.

Think for a moment about people who hold vastly different opinions than you do. Those people hold their beliefs because they have had different experiences than you have. They may have been raised in a different way, to believe different things, in a different environment, with different people and schooling influencing their thinking. Even after childhood, the friends, jobs, coworkers, experiences, and other influences people have can affect the way they believe. And ultimately, people are all different. They have different brains, with different physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual abilities. Even siblings who were raised similarly can have opposite opinions and beliefs when it is all said and done. With some views, there may not be a right and a wrong. Sometimes, we just need to agree to disagree and strive to reach a state of contentment despite differences.

Usually, people are 100% convicted and sure in their beliefs, just as you are. Hatred, meanness, and evil does exist, but there are also a lot of good people. There are good people who, when stating an opposing view to someone, are not trying to be mean, hurtful, or hateful. If someone believes that they are, either the recipient is wrongly perceiving it as such, and is still learning how to accurately determine intentions, or the other person is still learning how to convey a message in a way that is more true to the loving ways they actually intend. Or perhaps both parties still have something to learn, either through life experience or study.

"He's still learning" or "She's still learning" is not meant to be patronizing or condescending, as in, "Oh, the poor dear is still learning how the world works, so that's why she feels the way she does." We are all still learning. There are real reasons that people feel the way they do. We need to learn from people, and also understand that because of their experiences and individuality, they may still have something to learn that we already have. And in the same breath, we need to understand that perhaps there is something for us to learn that they have already learned.

Sometimes learning can be painful. Learning does not excuse us from consequences. Students at school do not always get a perfect or a good score, even if they are doing their best and trying diligently to learn. Part of learning is making mistakes, facing consequences, and gleaning what we can from those experiences. Remembering that we're all still learning helps encourage understanding and compassion amidst the hard work and pain.

As far as politics go, I don't think that there is one good solution for every single person. I don't like a lot of the answers out there, but I can't really come up with any of my own. Sometimes the right answer for one group of people means something isn't quite fair for another group. There is no one perfect solution. It's all about trying to find the best solution for the population in general, and that can leave a lot of hurt for individuals going through very personal conflicts. There is not one way, in my opinion, for the government to fix everything. There is a lot of work that falls on us, as individuals, families, and communities, to help people. Whether we are making decisions as a government or individual, we don't have a chance of helping people, or helping others understand our point of view, if we do not try to be understanding ourselves. And we have no chance of finding peace if we don't listen to each other and understand that we're all still learning.