Motherhood and Fulfillment

Today I read this article. It made me think about how I feel about the subject. It's something I've actually been struggling with for quite some time.   

I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, I couldn't wait to get married, have a home of my own, and have littles of my own. It was a dream of mine, and I felt that was what I was made for. Now I have a home of my own, a husband I love, and two daughters I adore. There are a lot of pressures in our society and our cultures surrounding motherhood. There is a "supermom" expectation, a mom who can "do it all" with a smile on her face.

I discovered some things about myself when I became a mother, that goes against the "supermom" ideal. I dislike reading about 95% of children's books. I do not like to plan, prepare, and cook meals. If I home-schooled my children, I think we would all pull our hair out. I have a surprisingly low tolerance for participating in children's songs, games, movies, and TV shows. I love my family, so I still do all those things, albeit less often than others. I just wish I enjoyed those activities more. But my girls and I like to listen to music on the radio and have dance parties. I like to make bows and little-girl dresses, and we all like crafts. I may not like cooking, but we like to eat yummy things together. We like going to the zoo. I'm content with all the "supermom" qualities I do or don't have. I know moms don't have to meet some impossible societal ideal to be a good mom.

I have always heard so many people say that motherhood is the best and most fulfilling thing you can ever do. I've heard it from religious leaders, and I've heard many friends talk about how absolutely fulfilled they feel as a mother. Well, here's my confession: I don't feel fulfilled. I have agonized over this. I feel like a terrible mom and a terrible person that I don't feel fulfilled in what is said to be the greatest, most noble thing I can possibly do in my life. I know being a mom is very important. I know raising my children to be good, righteous, productive, happy people is the most important thing I can be doing right now. (I'm not saying this is what everyone should be doing right now; just speaking for myself, in my own life situation.) I love my children so much and worry about them so much, my heart aches. I love being their mom. I am able to stay home with my children, and I feel that it is best for my family right now for me to do so. My feelings have nothing to do with how other people feel about mothers, or how they feel about mothers staying at home with their children. I have not really been able to figure out why I feel like this.

When I read the article mentioned above, it occurred to me that maybe it's not motherhood I am feeling unfulfilled with, maybe it's my life right now as a whole. Maybe there is something in addition to mothering that I can, or should, be doing right now. Maybe it's ok to develop myself in other ways. There are more things I want to learn. I like to write. I love art, and I'd like to learn to paint. I'd like to learn to cut hair and maybe develop some woodworking skills. I think I'd like Zumba. I'd love to learn to dance more. I'd like to learn some of these things with my husband. There are many other things I'd like to learn and do in my life. I know some people may say that now is not the time or season for me to do anything except be a wife and mom. But I disagree. True, I will not be able to completely focus on other things (outside of my family) at this time in my life. I can, but I just wouldn't. Wifehood and Motherhood is top priority right now, and it takes up the vast majority of my time. Some people have large families and/or truly love cooking meals, reading stories, teaching math and reading, keeping a clean house, and singing Disney songs every day at the top of their lungs with their children. So literally all their time and thoughts and energy go into those things. I applaud those people. Your service is admirable and tremendous. I used to think I'd be one of you. A lot of times, I wish I was. But I am who I am, and I'm learning to evolve and become a better version of myself. And maybe that means developing myself in ways that have nothing to do with my children. But I suspect that when I do, it will make me a better person, a better and happier mom, and I may share some of the things I learn with my children. I may even be able to use some of those things in the service of my children.