The Problem with "You think it's hard now? Just wait...."

I recently heard a woman talk about her struggles as a mother of several teenagers. She said that having teenagers is so hard for her. She said that having several kids ages five and under-that was easy.

As a mother of two children ages five and under, there are few things more discouraging than being told that this very hard time I'm going through is "easy". I mean, really? Was it really easy? At that time, when she was going through it, was it easy? Surely she's forgotten the hard parts, right? And if not, if having teenagers is really so much harder than having small children to the point that being a mother of small children is "easy" in comparison, well, that just makes me want to sob in a corner and give up. Don't get me wrong. I chose this life. I love my children, and I love being their mother. I wouldn't have it any other way. I am sure the woman I mentioned feels the same about her children. But raising children of any age is hard, and all parents need support and encouragement, not fear and hopelessness. 

This is an example of something I've noticed a lot in the past few years. People like to point out how much worse or harder life is going to get. I remember it happening from a young age. In elementary school, I was told how middle school is so much harder. In high school, I was told that those were the best days of my life and that someday I would be begging to go back. In college, I remember being told, "You think you're stressed and busy now? Just wait. It gets worse." When I was pregnant and not sleeping well because of discomfort and waking frequently to use the bathroom? Just wait 'til the baby's born, then you'll know sleep deprivation. When I had my first baby? Oh, how nice that you can sleep when the baby sleeps because there's no other child to keep you up. And now, with two small children? Just wait 'til they're moody teenagers. Having a hard day wresting my tantrum-throwing toddler and taking care of a sick baby? Enjoy it now, because they'll be grown up and moved out before you know it. 

Really, the list is endless. I've heard so many things along those lines. I've even caught myself doing this from time to time. I remember when my sister was telling me how nice it will be when she's out of college and will have the steady income of a full-time job. I snapped back with something like, "Oh, it doesn't get any better! You'll get a steady income, but then you'll get so many more bills!" I think I was reacting to my own personal experiences at the moment. I realized my mistake immediately, apologized, and said that yes, it is nice to have a steady, full-time income, even if I do have more bills to pay now.

Maybe people are reacting with their emotions and personal experiences (like I did) when they say or imply, "Just wait...It gets worse." Maybe they think they're being helpful, preparing others for the future. Maybe they think it helps people put their current situations into perspective and be grateful it isn't worse (yet). But in reality, it isn't helpful at all. It is very discouraging. Some forewarning may be helpful in some cases. But in general, telling someone, "Just wait [for something harder]," is disheartening. It makes the recipient of such "advice" feel stupid, weak, and childish. I've found that this "advice" is often inaccurate, as well. People tend to have a selective memory. When we have a hard time, we like to remember back in the good ol' days when certain things were better or easier. In reality, just about all phases of life are filled with both good and bad.

People also don't take into account the growth and wisdom that comes from time and experience. I know having teenagers is hard; I have no delusions about that. But that doesn't mean having small children is easy, and it doesn't mean you have to rub it in someone's face even if you believe it is. It's not really fair to do that to people. We don't approach 2nd-graders struggling with math and tell them, "Just wait. This is nothing. College is so much harder. The classes are insane. You'll always be tired and stressed and you never really finish homework because there's so much of it to do." Of course we don't tell them that because, even though college is hard, we don't want to overwhelm them when they still have a lot of learning and growth to go through before they get to that level. Having teenagers is hard, yes, but first let me figure out how to take care of a newborn, then a toddler, then a preschooler, and so on. Don't burden me with "life just gets harder" when I'm already at my wits' end.

People need to feel validated. We need to know there are others who understand our struggles. We need people who can point out the good things but also sympathize and encourage and strengthen when life is hard. Let's have less discouragement and more compassion!